Studmuffin Sanjay

Sanjay Kishore Dadlani:
Middlesex University Student Residing In The UK

DIRECT FROM SANJAY'S FORMER KILLUMINATI BLOG: DUPLICATED VERBATIM:
Let us read one of Sanjay's introductory comments about his studmuffininess:

It is absolutely imperative that female visitors to this site fall in love with me - and fall in love with me, they will - and get it on. First I will have to woo them with my fun-loving and energetic personality. When I succeed in making them think what a great guy I am and how fantastic it would be to get with me ("I MUST have that boy!"), then I will have considered my mission a success. What a complete studmuffin I am. Who can resist me?

Now, let us read some of Sanjay's obsessive, neurotic, hateful, whiny and weird babblings about his former girlfriends and his inability to maintain a relationship:

The more she leaves it, the more angry and tense I'm getting. She said she's going on some sorta vacation to find herself and be back at the end of September. Now it's October and I haven't even heard shit. They all fucking try this shit with me. As if I'sm some kinda lame dog or something that'll let it go. Ooh, hell no! I am NOT gonna be letting this shit go, especially from fucking nervous cowards who ain't even got the guts to come and face me.

Whatever, the point being that every time - EVERY TIME - I have given this gift to someone who I genuinely felt would be a suitable and reciprocatory receptacle for such love, they have either proved themselves unworthy of it in different ways, or just spit on it and leave.

I basically do think that Anna's behaviour is extremely cowardly. Today I was watchig some soap and the topic of patching mariages up came up. I then remembered 'Patch It Up' by Elvis and I got to thinking how Anna hasn't even given me a chance to patch it up with her. That just ain't fair at all. It's cowardly because the way she's hiding from me and avoiding me is just plain annoying and childish, not to mention demeaning and highly disrespectful. Almost like she has a heart of stone or something. So that hurts quite a bit. And while she's doing that, she ain't giving me a chance to talk to her or even attempt to patch things up, while I know she's going around telling everyone it's finished, but not quite telling them why. Rather sneaky, I think.

She thinks she's the only one who did some "evaluation" when I was in Sri Lanka. Well here's some hot news: I did some major evaluation too; I had plenty of time to think about where the relationship was going, what I could do to improve it, and whatever. I had some great ideas, about how I could improve things, and improve myself you know. And she just turned all of that to shit. Basically, she'll never know how good it could have been. She'll never know how great it might ave turned out, because she chickened out basically.

I gotta think though, were we moving too fast? Is it that she sort of got a little scared at how fast things were moving? I mean, we chatted for a year and according to her she was always coming to England, that was always on the agenda. So I suppose as the time for that drew nearer, she got scared? Why would she get scared anyway? I figured she had done enough preparation anyway? She was only supposed to be coming in September for a vacation anyway, so what was the problem? Even if she did get scared, so what? We could have slowed down a bit. I was in no real rush. Of course I was in a "sort of" rush since I love her and coudn't wait to see her and be with her, but if she was feeling a little pressured then we could have held back a bit for a while. I'm not an overbearing kinda guy, am I? There was no need to bloody break up though. It's all just SO silly. And even sillier is the way she just keeps humiliating me and making me suffer, seemingly without a care in the world. It's just cruel. what have I done to deserve this? What have I done to deserve feeling this way? It's so unfair.

Fucking women, I decided today that I think all "hot" women fucking can go fuck themselves. Fucking snotty bitches, fucking little teasers, they can go die. Little bitches, brought up as sluts. fucking shitty females, my ass. They can go die.

I think the main problem is that whenever this happened before, I at least had a friend like Miss G. who I could talk it through with and who had a sympathetic ear for me. So at least I got it out of myself. This time around I have FUCKING NO ONE. It ain't a very good idea to pick up girls by being depressed ya know. That does NOT turn on the ladies. How fucking depressing can it be for a girl to chat up some guy who hasn't got a grip? There's Redhead, Nightz, Myla, Kat, Naz, and a whole load of others plus that sexy-looking Paki who gave me a deep look this morning.

I was thinking that I might have got the chance to take Anna there. It's beautiful in some places and she would really like the hotels and the sandy beaches, but hey, life's a bitch and nothing ever goes the way you plan. A lot of shit went down in Sri Lanka. I played it down for Anna's sake because I didn't want to worry her and other people. When I got back to the UK, I REALLY needed to be in her arms and getit out of me, just to talk about what went on over there. I really needed someone to stand by me and support me and all the tension I went through. Until i read that fucking demonic Dear John letter. I suddenly realised that I'd have to go through all of that all alone and by myself. Hmmm, I'm not really even sure that I HAVE got over it.

Did she do that? NO. I guess that's the proof that shows how much she really "loved" me. I was right, it was a load of bullshit she was spoon-feeding me all along. And Anna's friends can't even seem to get their heads around this fact. Fucking women, they're all on the same side. No wonder they think differently, they're a totally different species! `They reckon all guys are bad and so they must all get in a closed-off group and protect each other. Fucking bollocks. Of course it's ALWAYS the guy's fault, even when they guy hasn't done anything at all except give away their soul. Well fuck that. I could have died in those blasts, and she didn't even fucking care. And that hurts me deep. That really stung, when I realised that. It really stung. And i can't even talk to anyone about how I feel, because nobody cares. Nobody at all.

What can I say or do? I have tried everything. She just won't talk to me. Maybe she hates me, who knows? I think she does. Why else would she treat me like this? How much longer will I have to feel like this? And she doesn't even care. She's probably immersed in her own problems and fucking insecurities, stupid insecurities which never meant shit to me and which she always made a big issue about. IT DIDN'T MATTER- NONE OF IT EVER MATTERED TO ME, but she just didn't get it. It's her loss, basically. Now she has to find someone else to make her feel good about what she did to me. And then she'll probably come back again in six months or so flaunting her new guy and like, "Hey you, look who I've met and he's tons better than you!" Fuck that lame shit. Not only is that lame but I'd kill the both of them. Going around for a laugh. I bet she's online as well and has just blocked me from her msn, how lame is that? Childish. And then she gives me all that crap, "despite what happens I still really miss our chats", which is why she NEVER comes online in almost two months now. Well, fuck that. And Arryana can go fuck herself as well, stupid bitch.

I'm pissed off about a lot of things lately. Maria's not around, Shalene ain't writing back, Laura ain't around and Eline's off on her holiday, so I'm feeling a bit lonely without any company. Well fuck that, actually I am lonely, period. But anyway it got to me today , the sheer desperation of it all.

But some of his lyrics were good, and some songs reminded me of Anna too. Actually I was so surprised by how much those songs reminded me of her. Here's a sample lyric: "How can you say to me that I've lost my way, when you're walking away, and I'm willing to give it my aaaall..." Thre were a few other songs that reminded me of Anna, things that I really want to say to her. I considered emailing her these mp3 tracks in zipped files along wih the lyrics, but I'm not sure she would appreciate them. She deltes all my emails probably. She doesn't reply to anything I say despite agreeing that we needed to talk, so why would she listen to any music I send her?

Oh God, why is it that every time I feel like I've been over the worst and I'm just about ready to move on with my life, something always happens to pull me right back down to the bottom of the spiral staircase? Everything reminds me of her. I just can't stand hearing love songs on the radio or whatever, I just can't stand people talking about how great their sex/love life is, I just can't stand watching couples snog each other in the middle of the street; all of these things causes a great ache and pain in my heart. My heart literally aches. Women as a whole are really starting to piss me off. Why don't they just go and fuck off? You either get "hot" women who prance about thinking that they're all that and how incredibly lucky you are to even be in their presence, or you get the ugly bitches whose tongues hang out for you all over the floor. Heh, even though it made me feel like shit to go and meet up with Redhead Anna, I'm seriously glad I didn't. What was I thinking? The woman is so fucking ugly. She'd make dogs bark at each other. It's just as well I took a bottle of whiskey, I think I might have needed to get seriously drunk before I could get down to some serious shit with her. I can't believe I even contemplated it.

I don't see why I should bother to think about her any more. I don't think I should even bother to write about her any more. Why am I writing about her now? Fuck knows. But it needs to be said. In fact, you don't really wanna know how I feel about her now anyway. It ain't anything at all what you'd expect. Maybe I should just cut everything off and go fuck around with someone else. She obviously doesn't wanna be with me anymore and she sure as hell hasn't even got the slightest tinge of respect for me, so may I should just go off and do my own thing. She can go to hell and she can go fuck herself. I have better things to do than be distracted by women who haven't a fucking clue what they want. It's be SO fucking easy to just get into a no-strings thing with someone, if only I could find someone. But hey, that'll come with time. And whatever else, I certainly have no need to drink myself stupid every day over her any more. Why the fuck should I ruin my liver for her? Who the fuck does she think she is?

Truth is, I have no one in this life. The ex before the ex, Bhavna, really and shittily screwed me up so bad that I'm almost burnt for life.

I really don't think I can go on. Living life like this, with too many bitches breaking your heart every time you place a little faith in them, it's too painful. I just hate feeling this rotten. Why do I have to feel like this anyway? What have I ever done to anyone except give them the best I can? What did I ever do to Anna except love her with all of my mind, heart and soul? Maybe that's the problem? I love them TOO much? Suffocate them? Bollocks! I swaer she's found someone else, I'm sure of it. I've thought long and hard about it, and I can only thnk of two reasons why she's done this; either someone has been putting ideas in her head while I've been away, or she's found someone else (in US of fucking A of course) and prefers them. How convenient. Bhavna did the same thing. How could I be such a fucking fool to fall for that AGAIN? What kind of dumbass am I?

The first couple of weeks after I read it, I was really concerned for her and wondering what the hell the problem could be, trying to beu nderstanding and sympathetic and all. Even she agreed in an email that we needed to talk and even fixed up a time, some Wednesday or other. And she never even turned up, and she hasn't been replying to my mails ever since. Why the fuck is she hiding from me? What the hell have I done to her? And that behaviour is so fucking immature as well, how can anyone torture a guy so much and leave things hanging in the air like that. And all these fucknuts keep on telling me that I need to "move on" or whatever. Move on from WHAT? How can I move on from something that ain't finished properly? I need the fucking closure! And WHY does it have to close anyway, what the hell did I do? I just can't understand...

I just need to see her, I just need to explain to her.. I just need to hear her talk, and whatever it is, I am damn sure that we can resolve it,.. because I do love her, I don't say such words in vain, but I really need to talk to her, and she's not even coming. That really fucking hurts me in my heart of earts. My heart is breaking, and no one can heal it. Drinking is the only way to forget, and when my liver packs it in then there will be nothing else except to wait for death..

I can't talk too much about it now because I haven't got the right form of thoughts in my mind right now. I need to write more about this in the future, as I try to get it all out of me, since no one with human ears has the capacity to sit and listen to me except this lame electronic bloody blog..

I'm not sure how long I can go on. Every day and night that passes without her, I feel more and more dead. I actually feel half-dead in my heart. How long can I go on? I don't feel that I have a future. It feels like the end is coming. I can never be truly happy unless I'm with her. The thing that really pisses me off most of all is how I will never meet her. I will never get the chance to look into her eyes. I will never get the chance to see her smile. She had such a cute laugh and giggle, which I will never hear. I will never get the cance to watch her while she sleeps and wonder what she's dreaming about. I'd never get the chance to hold her in my arms, I wanted that so fucking much, I really just wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her I love her. I'll never to get to kiss her.. why do I have to go through this? Fuck all of that, I'll never even get to SEE her, and that hurts and breaks my heart the most of all..Fuck, I can't stand this pain, I need to drink, to forget, but I won't forget. I won't ever forget...I will suffer this pain until the day I die.

One of the lines in that movie reminded me of Anna though. Serpico's girl wanted to leave him and left him a note to come meet her in some local cafe for a final talk. When he got there, he was like "What is this? This is the stupidest thing I ever read." And that reminded me so much of Anna's break-up email. When I first read it, I felt a surge of feelings and not all of them were good. Aside from the shock and anguish of it all, and as well as the sympathy, I actually thought it was a very stupid letter. For a start, she tried so hard to sound like she had made the right choice. I felt and still fell that she was deluding herself. Even the language that she employed sounded like she was trying to convince herself that her decision was the right one, more than trying to convince me. I talked to that girl almost every night for nearly a year for several hours, and I study psychology - I think I have an insight into what makes that girl tick. But anyhow, it was the "stupidest thing I've read". And I feel that I must thank Serpico for that.

I have "Warm Tape" on repeat for the last couple of days or so, and I'm beginning to feel as if I should have sung it to HER. I really feel as if I embody those lyrics. The tune is pretty convincing and yet haunting too. Why is it that this fucking shit happens to me EVERY time? but the very moment I actually start to believe that someone among them can be a ittle different; warm, honest, loving, trusting and all of that shit, and I actually start beliving in that love shit in that a so as I start to IDEALISE them and hold them as "perfect" in my mind, they somehow fall down and the whole thing goes to shit. I mean sometimes I wonder if the jinx is in me; maybe my association causes other people to become deviants or so form an accepted moral code. But, in any case, just look at the lame horny sluts that I have after me; there's Redhead Anna, there's Miss PAraguay and so many promiscuous fuck swho if I'd sleep with I'd probably pick up some unknown STD. So why should I keep crying over HER and miss HER when I have so many fucking SLUTS to enjoy with? I guess I don't know, except to feal extremely low when I feel rejected more or less; it's the same feeling that as SOON as I start to idealise them and consider them a 100% perfect in my mind and vision, they fucking let me down and let the whole thing down, exposing themselves as weaklings. It really hurts. It still really hurts, even after all this time. Warm Tape.

I was kinda very pissed last night when I related how Anna didn't seem to care enough about me to ask if I was ok after the London bomb attacks 2 weeks ago. Felt very bitter about it and still am.

Who the fuck cares anyway? Anna certainly doesn't. And everyone keeps telling me, she needs her time to think, and blah blah. Like I give a fuck. No one seems to care about me or how I feel. I have reduced myself to whining on the virtual shoulder of an electronic blog, how sad is that? Hey, it helps. At least I can get it all out of me. I can't stand this stupid silent treatment while she has to go "find herself" or whatever. It's like she doesn't even have the slightest bit of respect for me or anything. I feel so insulted. Who in their right minds cannot even find it within themselves to even inquire if some people are alright after a major terrorist attack on their country? I had so many old mates crawling out of the woodwork, but the ONE person I really needed has not even been there for me since I got back from Sri Lanka. That sucks serious ass. I've told a few people how I'm starting to get increasingly pissed about it. Something that puzzles me is the relationship cycle. It is supposed to broadly split into four parts; denial, anger, grief, acceptance. I don't even know which stage I'm at, I seem to be fluctuating continuously between the first three and am inching towards the fourth, and then it's back to Square One. I tell you what, though, I fucking HATE it when people automatically assume that it's ALWAYS the guy's fault when a relationship breaks up. Monte told me as much, and I suspect Verum does too, which is why he seems to be ignoring me. Some mate he is. I thought he was a real mate, but seems that even he's abandoned me too. How nice.

When I was with Anna, it was the most magical thing ever. I couldn't believe it. I coold feel the gentleness of it all. It wa so joyful, just being with her. At least I got a chance to experience some of that. Maybe I was not destined for it, and thus it slipped through my fingers. Let me die alone. Just leave me to die alone. Let them find my body six months after I have died, why should I give a fuck? No one cares.

I try pouring my heart out to Laura. Sometimes she pisses me off with the little comments that she makes, as if I have done something. But she cannot be blamed, because these girls are all on the same side, believing that all guys are bad and they need to protect each other. But what did I do? But anyway, I can only talk to Laura, and even then when only SHE is available, because she knows Anna so she'll know something. But it's just like I told her tonight, I dunno how I feel. Sometimes I just love her, as she is my beloved beloved darling, and other times I hate her and wish she could just go fuck herself for treating me like this, so cruelly and so painfully. How can she do this to me knowingly? It is cruelty. Fuck man, if only she would talk to me..

It's all her fucking fault; there's no proper closure. She just basically ran away. I must have been talking seriously stupid the other night, when the fuck have I ever contemplated cutting myself? That's fucking mental.

Gee, doesn't Sanjay sound like an "irresistable" and "complete studmuffin" ? lol