Proof Sanjay Dadlani Is Mentally Disturbed

Sanjay Kishore Dadlani:
Middlesex University Student Residing In The UK

DIRECT FROM SANJAY'S FORMER KILLUMINATI BLOG: DUPLICATED VERBATIM:

My God, I think I'm too far gone anyways. Even if something happens, the pain is permanent. The wound is way to deep. Because if something was done EARLIER, THEN IT MIGHT HAVE FUCKING HELPED, YOU FUCKING LOSER! But since NOTHING was done,. the wound is deep and the salt has been rubbed in and I feel that fucking endless pain all day and night, boy!

This crap needs to be resolved. Fucking bitches, they owe me something. And every day that passes ain't helping their fucking case. Oh boy, am I getting madder and madder by the day. Oh boy, am I gonna burn them alive or what? They all fucking try this shit with me. As if I'sm some kinda lame dog or something that'll let it go. Ooh, hell no! I am NOT gonna be letting this shit go, especially from fucking nervous cowards who ain't even got the guts to come and face me.

I hear the guitars and it feels like a blade of steel cutting through my soul and my flesh, and it's so plesurable. I wonder how thos people feel, those people who take a razor blade to themselves and cut their flesh. I wonder how it feels. I think I want to try that, if only as a release to this intense pain that I feel.

Fuck, I shocked myself. I used to take bottles of vodka into college and drink it in the computer room as I surfed endlessly. I'm still fucking surprised as to how no one ever smelt it on me? So now alcohol ain't gonnabe enough to deal with this shit? I need to progress to self-harm? What the fucking FUCK?!?! I'm losing touch with reality. Someone needs to save me. Who? No idea. Who? Someone, who? Mr. Motherfucker, I pray to be able to survive.

I wanted to talk about how worried I am about depression. Prolonged depression can kill according to the latest scientific studies. It has a stressful effect on the heart and can probably be an indirect cause of heart disease, as I read on BBC health some time ago. So um, I've been feeling like this for around 3 months now and this has GOT to stop or I'll end up freaking out on the street or something.

It's almost like my entire soul seems to be filled with poison. I don't know how else to describe it. I either feel just very vacant or empty, and at other times I just feel consumed by bitterness, anger and hatred. Consumed by poison.

It's like when I close my eyes, I can actually feel the loneliness surrounding me, choking and suffocating me. Or at least my senses seem to sink within myself and become dull. A pessimistic attitude tints my vision and I cannot seem to understand other people's emotions except mine. Yes, I may laugh at comedies but usually only at the sarcastic jokes, which seem to be an extension of the frustration and bitterness in my soul. It's like I am just aimless these days, going along no particular direction.

It is something that I had perhaps get used to. It's probably likely that I will end up a bitter twisted old man and I should look forward to that and embrace it. It's looking unreasonable to expect anything else.

It is thus no wonder that I am wallowing in disillusion these days. It is no wonder that I have accepted the possibility that I will transform into a sad, lonely, bitter twisted old man. It is no wonder that I have started to feel full of rage, hate and anger. It is no wonder that I have started to seriously contemplate on and accept the possibility of the darker forces in life. It is no wonder that I have started to set my sights on the lower and fringe sections of society. It is no wonder that I read 'The Satanic Bible' by Anton Szandor LaVey. It is no wonder that I have started to lose my motivation and risk the future of several important life-projects that I am currently undertaking. It is no wonder that, to appease my tortured soul, I listen to metal. Not just any metal, mind you, Motorhead and a little Metallica is the stuff that oils my wheels these days. Regarding my taking a turn for all of this negativity, what else is there?

I feel that these events are markers in my descent towards oblivion and self-destruction. At this point I see no hope for me at all. If there is even a slight redemptive opportunity, I do not know.

I've been feeling like shit all week. But today was the day that I really felt like DEATH all day. I was feeling seriously miserable and fucking down. It's almost like I have no hope left for me in life. I'm constantly thinking about what's gonna happen to me in the future. I haven't really got long, so I'm just wondering how to make the best of what I have. I put on a show of smiles for everyon, whilst inside my heart is breaking into tiny little pieces and no one can see my pain. Nobody bothers to ask, nobody bothers to even ask what's the mater, because they do not know. Nobody seems to even care.

I have no love in my life. I feel like death won't make much of a difference. I feel like I'm half dead all of the time anyway.

In any case, today I felt the darkness. A palpabale feeling of evil and darkness totally covering me. I'm scared that I'm becoming unstable and psychotic. Who knows? This can only be due to the stress and shit I been going through lately. I didn't feel like this before, so go figure? I'm starting to avoid looking into people's faces, how disturbing is that? As far as possible I'm avoiding looking into people's faces, even friends and family. How fucking WEIRD is that? It's shitty. I desperately need help here. For fuck's sake, I think I am too far gone.

Some days I feel really angry, vengeful and hateful. I gotta admit that I am becoming the same bitter and twisted person that I was when I met her. So what? Maybe that's my destiny. I have turned to this line of anger and hatefulness relatively recently. And i can't even talk to anyone about how I feel, because nobody cares. Nobody at all.

I'm pissed off about a lot of things lately. Well fuck that, actually I am lonely, period. But anyway it got to me today , the sheer desperation of it all.

Oh God, why is it that every time I feel like I've been over the worst and I'm just about ready to move on with my life, something always happens to pull me right back down to the bottom of the spiral staircase?

But anyway, I'm getting seriously pissed off with a lot of stuff. One thing that I can't understand is something that comes up when I'm reading that bok about Chili Peppers. It mentions that Anthony Kiedis retrns to a theme of loneliness in some of his songs. What the FUCK? Here is the lead singer of perhaps one of the most ROYAL rock bands in the world today - rocking for over 25 years - and he's complaining of being lonely? Fucks sake, the man must have tens of thousands of groupies. Yeah yeah, perhaps he doesn't need all that shallowness and needs proper companionship and all that emo bullshit, blah blah. But still, LONELY? I really love Kiedis, perhaps even in a homoerotic way, but the man has to compare his shit with the standard we all got and prioritise.

How quaintly romantic it would be to purchase a gun and put it into your mouth. Tasting the metal as you run your tongue around the barrel, close your eyes, and blow your brains out. Next stop? That journey is too frightening to contemplate. I should stick to the whisky. I need to get some more bottles of whisky and vodka. I don't have any in the house and I'm climbing up the walls. Waves of misery and grief wash over me as I contemplate the black starry night, the screeching of the owls enter my ears and fills my throbbing heart with pulsating fear. I no longer know myself, as I have swept away by the winds of change, and I know not where I will land.

Overwhelming despair welling up deep in my heart. No recourse to turn to, no one to hold. Tears of sadness flow from my eyes as I weep in the darkness for release. No one hears the bitter sobs as I cry for a saviour to liberate my soul from this gutter. The chains of iniquity lie around my neck and my hands are tied together with the rope of regret while the children outside laugh and play in joyful glee. I close my eyes and feel the waves of misery crash on the rocks of my heart and sway my body to the rhythm of the vulture's call.

When I attribute to them such a high status and later have to suffer rejection at their hands, I don't seem to be able to take it very well. In fact, it kills me and it hurts very much.

Well I spent a lot of time today thinking very deeply of how I may have to spend the rest of my life alone. Some issues arose today that were unsavoury and I realised how it is the same in all the branches of my family. For fucks sake, I come from a huge family so why the fuck do I feel so alone? I felt really miserable today, really miserable. How the hell can this world be full of people who just want to chew you up and then spit you out? Even your fucking family? That's sure surprising, how even your blood can do that to you. Fuck's sake, I'm seriously gonna turn into a bitter twisted old man for the rest of my life.

What's the point of even smiling anymore? Why paint a smile on your face when your heart is crying within? I think that's what most people do. paint their faces with smiles just like clowns do. I sometimes wonder about the dynamics of the 'sad clown' - what exactly does that represent? It's an interesting question to ponder. In any case, it looks like I'm gonna be stuck in this rut and I can't see a way out of it. I am gonna die like this, in this shit, I swear I am. And who knows what's gonna happen? There are no words to express this pain, it can only express itself as a dull glimmer in your yearning eyes. Aching heart and yearning eyes are the two things that everyone is going to take with them to their graves. I just sometimes feel like ending it all, 'nuff said.

Why is it that tears are shed inside and not outside? Pain seems to have a way of feeling etheric enough to spread all over the body, yet concentration on its awareness gives a solidified impression of it. That's emotional pain I'm talking about, not physical. Funny isn't it?

If I find out she's sleeping with someone else, I'll go kill the both of them in just a second. That, and the thought of her being with other guys. Full of rage. Kill them. Both.

As time goes on, you begin to realise the sadness and grief of it all. Sometimes it might take a very big event to get it all into perspective and make you stop and think about where you're going. So the other night when I got so drunk that I ended up vomiting in the kitchen sink, after that I kind of realised how I had managed to vomit my pain out. My grief has considerably lessened since then, even though it is still very much there.

Metal seems to have the special quality of slicing through your flesh and gliding straight into a pain-wracked soul. As such, I do not NEED to cut myself. I just need to listen to some good metal, as the guitars do all the cutting for me that I need. And so I can just open my heart to the steel sword that begs to cut through my flesh and intertwine itself with my nerves, and like a violin let it play the most mournful music anyone has ever heard. While raining hellfire spills forth from my eyes...

Whiny - Neurotic - Silly - Disturbed - Traumatized - Crybaby - Attention Seeker - Pouter - Sniveler - Sulker - Whimpy - Overemotional - Noxious prissy-type - Babbler ... a few descriptions that came to mind :-) Someone hand the guy a pacifier.

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